Report Card Decoder Gifts

'It's the toxic learning environment.'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"Using worst case scenario as a baseline, I consider this data quite encouraging."

'I got and 'E' in spelling.' - 'That is an 'F'.'

"These fourth grade marks are confusing...I got a B on the assignment, so is that like a smiley face or a star?"

'You might show a little excitement at the figures, Johnson!'

NHS/Private Eye Care.

"According to his will, he wants his outstanding debts to be shared equally between the three of you."

'Well, so my grades are A,B,C,D... at least I'm learning my alphabet.'

Information vs. confusion

'You're FLUNKING me? - Doesn't SENIORITY count for anything around here?'

'Just tell him you mind your teacher and do your lessons. You don't have to prove it.'

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

"It's good for you. It has lots of vitamin D."

The UN Forest. . . after its latest 3000 page climate report is released.

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

"Well, yes, I suppose I could explain the test results in 'plain English' — but then you'd know how sick you are."

"What the hell happened in P.E.?"

'I didn't do well in geography. I guess you had to be there.'

'I'm the smartest one in the bottom group.'

'Miss Harrison said it's a better report than the ones you used to get when you were in her class.'

'Obviously, the school board is giving an unfair advantage to gifted students.'

'It's this one here, that I don't understand.'

'Why are you being a discipline problem at school, turd?'

"The doctors call it Polymyositis, but I call it 'Military Arthritis' because it comes with a lot of fatigue."

'I got an 'A' in abstinence.'

"Well, you helped me with my initial health issue, but now I've got headaches from dealing with billing and insurance!"

'Instead of a bedtime story, I'm going to read you my company's report for the third quarter.'

'Baby and Child Care Guidelines'

"My only hope is that they eventually drop math from the curriculum."

'This note from your teacher says you're doing great for a six year old. Doesn't she know you're fifteen?'

"Those D's are misleading."