Benefit Assessor Gifts

'You've been assessed as incapable of doing this work.'

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"You're entitled to ten sick days, five personal days and four complete do-overs."

"No, we don't have a pension plan. We don't expect our employees to ever retire."

"Smart Arse"

'Desks equipped with airbags - for now that's our company's health plan.'

'Your employer's health plan automatically cancels your coverage once you get sick.'

'I don't need your love. I need a 401 (k) and health insurance.'

'I can't give you a raise, Milhouse, because I'm going broke supplying you with health care.'

'We're going to wander in the desert for forty years? What about portability of benefits?'

"There's a one-year don't-get-sick probation period for our health insurance."

'You're offering me a job, eh? -- does it have portable benefits?'

'With 13 holidays per year, 2 weeks sick leave, 2 coffee break each day, 4 weeks vacation a year, 80% of ife and health insurance, profit sharing, including various discounts and you still want a salary?'

Employee Benefits

"Are your taxes based on usable living space or actual square footage?"

'Since the cuts this is what we get instead of an incapacity benefits officer.'

Companies are slashing employee health care and pension benefits. Cutting, slashing, trimming, eliminating. Look at them go. I feel like I'm watching a great athlete on tv. I'm so inspired! You're one odd duck. Rudy – come hither my overpaid dumpling!

'What's your threshold of pain when it comes to salary and benefits?'

'Your assets speak for themselves. They say 'no'.'

"We have reason to believe you're co-rabbiting whilst in receipt of benefit."

Cross-stitched land survey.

"We do have good health coverage, but then we never get od and we never get sick."

"It's no use making all that fuss - there's no such thing as attention seekers allowance."

Benefit mistakes cost £one billion a year... Well, in our defence we did get a lot of the numbers correct, they just weren't in the right order.

Universal Credits Computer: Kaput

"Don't worry, I'll be very discreet with your personal medical information."

"They're offering me comprehensive medical and full dental. Now if they just throw in a salary it'll be perfect!"

'We considered offering health insurance, but it's cheaper to have taxpayers pick up the tab at hospital emergency rooms.'

"I'm sorry Mr. Lewis, but recurrent ice cream headaches don't qualify you for disability."

'Health benefit? Didn't you get a personal first aid kit when you started working here?'

Help wanted. Excellent medical insurance. Salary also available.

"I'll see what I can do - Just how ticklish ARE you?"

"Take me to your benefits office."

'Sure, I could do better, but you try finding a job with medical and dental in this economy.'

'No, you don't get a check because your computer is disabled.'