Bench Warmer's Nightmare Gifts

"As the new head coach, my first move will be to blow up the entire roster."

"You've been so good to us all these years. Is there anything we can do to repay you?"

"I AM at my usual position."

'Will you please stop feeding the pigeons?!'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'Radford, go in for Bloom. ... Uh-uh-uh! Finish your vegetables first!'

"We didn't have any whipped cream, so I used foaming hand soap."

"And this is Joshua, he'll be a hundred and forty-seven months next week."

Feathered frenzy

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

Spring Training

Half asleep.

I'm a seat warmer test dummy.

"No, your laptop turning red isn't a new, cool feature. It's red because it's hot. When is the last time you cleaned it?"

"I play 'backside'. My 'backside' is always sitting on the bench."

Nobody has been on the this team longer, without actually playing in a game than you guys. We're setting a benchmark!

'My name is Judge Clyde Sandorf; better known as 'ol' tough as nails'.'

Mum! I'm cold! - 'Put your jumper on then!' - 'I'm already wearing it!' - '' - 'Mum! I can't reach the thermostat!' - 'Oh, that's a shame, dear.' -

The new heated seats were proving to be just a little too hot for the fans!

'See that, Greg? His back is straight. Both feet flat on the floor. Eyes fixed on the game. It's natural talent, Greg. You just can't teach that.'

'It was Bob's last wish to spread his ashes on the spot where he spent most of his athletic career.'

People for the ethical treatment of athletes.

'That's impressive, Hanks. Now just 'presto' it right back out of his skill. Geez... And you wonder why you never play.'

Frederick's Of Winnipeg

"I AM at my usual position."

'Dear diary: day sixty, still haven't played. Starting to regret choosing baseball. Over the NBA...'

Office Heating

'That's the trouble with parks football - there's not much quality on the bench!'

'Yo, Dewey! Got another one over here when you're done.'

"I play 'backside'. My backside is always on the bench."

'Well, this is your lucky day, Sheedy.Go in for Moore... He just blew out his knee.'

Don

"In memory of Lofty Thomas."

'Well, I don't know much about sport, but I know what I like.'

'...Charles is a better kiss-up, so he will be starting in the position right next to me on the bench.'