Benchwarmer Guru Gifts

"I AM at my usual position."

'Will you please stop feeding the pigeons?!'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'Radford, go in for Bloom. ... Uh-uh-uh! Finish your vegetables first!'

"This one's really scary. It's about what's happening to my 401k."

"We didn't have any whipped cream, so I used foaming hand soap."

"And this is Joshua, he'll be a hundred and forty-seven months next week."

Feathered frenzy

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

Spring Training

"I play 'backside'. My 'backside' is always sitting on the bench."

'See that, Greg? His back is straight. Both feet flat on the floor. Eyes fixed on the game. It's natural talent, Greg. You just can't teach that.'

'My name is Judge Clyde Sandorf; better known as 'ol' tough as nails'.'

People for the ethical treatment of athletes.

'That's impressive, Hanks. Now just 'presto' it right back out of his skill. Geez... And you wonder why you never play.'

"It gets rid of the spiders and it doesn't make any noise, so as far as I'm concerned it can stay."

"I AM at my usual position."

'Dear diary: day sixty, still haven't played. Starting to regret choosing baseball. Over the NBA...'

"I need an interpreter. Send in someone who speaks jargon."

'Normally we just come up with some ludicrously high figure depending on how deep we think your pockets are, then we offer you a huge 'discount' to bring it down to about twice what we actually need.'

'...Charles is a better kiss-up, so he will be starting in the position right next to me on the bench.'

'Well, I don't know much about sport, but I know what I like.'

"In memory of Lofty Thomas."

'Yo, Dewey! Got another one over here when you're done.'

'That's the trouble with parks football - there's not much quality on the bench!'

"I play 'backside'. My backside is always on the bench."

'Well, this is your lucky day, Sheedy.Go in for Moore... He just blew out his knee.'

It has been 103 innings since I last played.

'Sweeny's been sitting on the bench too long. We're going to need the jumper cables.'

'Do you mind? You're double parked.'