Being Shortlisted Gifts

"Great news! Your novel is in a medium-size pile in the middle of the floor about four feet from the left side of Oprah's assistant's desk."

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

'I'll never let my love of fishing come between us.'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

Opp'y of a Lifetime

"I'll bet Miss Parker gets teacher of the year for this."

Contest to enter the University

'Sir Percy is here for his Purple Heart, Sire.'

"Never mind the carrot, where's my f*****g medal?"

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

'Is there a Nobel Prize for viewing?'

"On the plus side, concussions are way down."

'Center for rat race studies'

'Wow! Oh, wait -- It's only a Nobel consolation prize.'

Pygmy giant squid

"Oh look, how utterly ridiculous - you're on the honours list!"

Model's aspirations

'I think you'll find that's checkmate for you too, Sir.'

"Actually, I hope more people think being smart is annoying. I'll have less competition when I apply to college."

'I'm off to Stockholm to receive the Nobel Prize for Peace.'

'Dang! -- STILL no lifetime achievement award!'

'No, I still haven't gotten around to making my 'to-do' list yet. . .'

From fair to school.

'Think of this as an opportunity. All those great contests employees are ineligible to win...well, now you're eligible.'

Guide to Book Awards

Businessman of the Year Awards.

'They're not just going to GIVE you a Nobel Peace Prize -- you have to FIGHT for it!'

Team work.

A military man dreams of medals dropping like bombs.

"Mr Pendleton, you'll be pleased to know that you're on our short list."

"You're not under a deluge of social media abuse? Wow. You must be losing your relevance!"