Being Shortlisted Gifts

"Great news! Your novel is in a medium-size pile in the middle of the floor about four feet from the left side of Oprah's assistant's desk."

Procrastinator Foumdation: 'We're putting off the decision to fund you for at least another month...'

"I'm telling you, she's the best in her field."

'I'll never let my love of fishing come between us.'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

Opp'y of a Lifetime

Congratulations! - You have been nominated for the Turner Prize...

"I'll bet Miss Parker gets teacher of the year for this."

Contest to enter the University

'Sir Percy is here for his Purple Heart, Sire.'

"Never mind the carrot, where's my f*****g medal?"

"On the plus side, concussions are way down."

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

'Is there a Nobel Prize for viewing?'

'Center for rat race studies'

'Wow! Oh, wait -- It's only a Nobel consolation prize.'

Pygmy giant squid

"Oh look, how utterly ridiculous - you're on the honours list!"

Model's aspirations

Nigel Adkins

'I think you'll find that's checkmate for you too, Sir.'

'I'm off to Stockholm to receive the Nobel Prize for Peace.'

'Dang! -- STILL no lifetime achievement award!'

"Actually, I hope more people think being smart is annoying. I'll have less competition when I apply to college."

'No, I still haven't gotten around to making my 'to-do' list yet. . .'

From fair to school.

'Think of this as an opportunity. All those great contests employees are ineligible to win...well, now you're eligible.'

'They're not just going to GIVE you a Nobel Peace Prize -- you have to FIGHT for it!'

Guide to Book Awards

Businessman of the Year Awards.

I wish Mort were here. I need help with this. You can't open an envelope. It's the national radio society's annual prize results. Someone nominated me as Most Obnoxious and Caustic Talk Show of the Year. Great honor. I need Mort's moral support if I don't win. Naturally.

Team work.

A military man dreams of medals dropping like bombs.

"You're not under a deluge of social media abuse? Wow. You must be losing your relevance!"

Football Brain Injuries