Becoming A Pensioner Gifts

You know you're getting old... when your barber spends more time on your eyebrows and ears than on the hairs on your head.

"You're very interesting, for a civilian."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"You've been so good to us all these years. Is there anything we can do to repay you?"

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

"He was just hanging about in the shed, so I had him repurposed."

"What a tragedy... he still had two years of his super left..."

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

Signs of Aging: Light headedness, shortening, waxy skin, burn out and hot flashes.

"Apparently over 50% of people never look at their pension plans!"

"People are looking for stability in pension arrangements..."

"If we take a late retirement and an early death, we'll just squeak by."

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

'You're so nice and friendly that I've got nothing to moan about. That's a bit of cheek!'

"The industry has agreed to take the pensions dashboard off our hands. . ."

'Something tells me asking him to delay his retirement may be futile.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

The Great Pyramid of Geezers

"What the hell did you do with your day before I retired?"

'right, make sure any new companies we acquire have an ageing workforce'

Old men,"I have terrible trouble with my joints..the cannabis keeps falling out."

"The pension crisis prompted me to consider alternative invstments. Like Roulette."

'Fortune telling/retirement planning'

"That's where the tenured faculty members hang out."

"In normal circumstances a full state pension would be an automatic..."

"Normally after 365 years we'd be looking at a better figure, but not when you've only worked one day a year!"

"Let me make this perfectly opaque..."

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

"He was just a year away from retirement."

'He's making preparations for his elderly care.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

Mismanagement Consultant.

"Forget the future, tell me what happened to the past ten years."

'You're lucky you're just a kid and don't have to worry about things like going out and getting a job when you're supposed to be retired.'

'Bad luck Harry, they've just raised the retirement age.'