Becoming A Nonagenarian Gifts

Upside-Down Birthday 91-16.

'I'm ninety-seven years old and I still have all my own teeth.'

Wordplay: Hibernation.

Next gen pregnancy tests.

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

'The suspense is killing us. Which one is our grandchild?'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

"Don't think of this birthday as you're getting older. Think of it as being one day closer to irritable bowel syndrome."

Mood Swings.

'As soon as I get a small tattoo, I'm going to take up yoga.'

'I remember when your dad still had a full mane and his own canines... back in his wild days.'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"Losing your fizz is very common for a man your age."

'No honey, you can't sell him on ebay.'

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the best facelift of them all?

"I'm not his mom anymore—now I'm his life coach."

Eighteenth Birthday.

"You're this age and never had surgery? Aren't you curious?"

It was the first Christmas he hadn't gotten any toys, and he realized he was now a man... he also realized sweaters are lame.

Where the wild things aren't.

"I was on hormone replacement for two years before I realized I needed Steve replacement."

You know you're getting old... when your barber spends more time on your eyebrows and ears than on the hairs on your head.

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

"This can't be happening! I'm supposed to be a cool adult! At least I bet I have a cool car!"

"...And when you turn eighteen, you go over to the dark side, like Mom and Dad."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

"Find a patch of sunlight, my boy. Find a patch of sunlight and bask in it."

"Quite frankly I can't wait to see how your generation messes up everything."

'He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites.'

"Wrong! I've got a full time job. . . it's called old age."

Grandparents Anonymous

'Perfect birthday party dear, but so it should be after the practice you've had over so many years.'

New Age: Retirement Plan

"Don't worry about how you look -- it's an old mirror."

'He's at the age where he's too old to be cute and too young be sensible!'