Advanced Ager Gifts

"You're this age and never had surgery? Aren't you curious?"

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

A man sprays his bald head with "Spray Hair" to make it seem as thought he has hair.

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"More quarters! For God's sake, more quarters!!"

"You're in perfect health and look half your age – I'm prescribing something to help you shut up about it."

Breast Height Chart

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

'I'm fighting ageing.'

"We're the same age, but you look great! What's your secret?"

"In your 40s, hair starts growing everywhere except where it should."

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

Sir Isaac Newton Sucks!

"I enjoy being old - my health always gives me something to talk about!"

Baldness Facts

'Webster, is it just me, or do our new employees seem to be younger every year,'

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'You're perfectly fit and healthy...but at your age...seriously, what's the point?'

Warning: Contents may settle over time.

"I'm not worrying. I've got most of my money in handbaskets."

Middle Age Spread.

'Admit it, George-you're too old to chase after does.'

Middle-aged people spend a lot of time looking for things that they have 'lost'.....

Elderly lady about elderly man: 'We met in ICU. We had a rheumatic encounter.'

"It's male pattern osteoporosis."

"...At what point do hemorrhoids become 'just another hobby?'"