Aging Ace Gifts

'Good memory. Now turn around and let's try it again. I've put the chart on the opposite wall since your last visit.'

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

A man sprays his bald head with "Spray Hair" to make it seem as thought he has hair.

"How are people at my reunion going to recognize me? I look in the mirror and even I don't recognize me."

Baldness Facts

'You can tell when you're getting older when your ears are hairier than your head!'

Middle Age Spread.

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

Pinocchio's Second Realization

"Trust me kiddo, even donkey's years fly by way too fast..."

Breast Height Chart

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

Ed's receding hairline!

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

"You kept me awake all night, grinding your gums."

"At a certain point, I bring them back."

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'My - You've matured, my dear.'

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"If they do let anyone go I don't think age will be a consideration. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to look younger than you are."

'Poor Oog -- evolution sure has AGED him!'

"In your 40s, hair starts growing everywhere except where it should."

Ins and Outs of Sex Therapy

My philosophy ... If you can't beat 'em, outlive 'em.

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

'It looks like you're suffering from TMB... too many birthdays...'

'I spent today with out spindoctor, and boy, am I dizzy.'

"I enjoy being old - my health always gives me something to talk about!"

'If I knew it would mean all these hospital appointments, I'd never have got old!'

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the best facelift of them all?

"You'll see - when you get older, parts start to sag."

'Webster, is it just me, or do our new employees seem to be younger every year,'

"They never told us what carrying twenty times our own weight would do to our knees."

'You have the body of a 22 year old man, providing your birthday is February 29th.'

Gerontologist on the phone - 'Oh, you know ... same old, same old ... and how are things with you?'