Beauty Consultant Joker Pillows

'Julie,has anyone told you how beautiful you look today? If so send them in for an eye test straight away!'

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

This cream won't get rid of cellulite...it just makes it easier to slide into your jeans.

Life Store Guide: Make-up and jewellery

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'I'm going to have to cut it - Daddy is complaining about the shampoo bill again.'

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'This facial cream is called 'High Definition'...it brings out beauty in sharp, wonderful detail.'

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

"Botox."

"We're having a make up test at school. Can I borrow your mascara?"

"I don'y know who did her, but when she laughs the wrinkles go in very weird directions."

'I assure you madam, that the uglification factor of this mirror is no greater than the nationally accepted one-to-one standard.'

'As pizza maker, maybe a skin care products site isn't the best idea for an affiliate site.'

"More concealer?"

"Oh my gosh — so sorry! Those were extensions!"

"It's too late for a nose job and too early for a face-lift."

"Here they come: Detox and Botox."

'A large Swiss Pharmaceuticals company has expressed serious interest in my potion.'

'We're the same age, but you look great! What's your secret?'

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Sebum! I think you'll love this property on the left side of the chin. It's a wonderful place to start a pimple."

"It isn't fair! Why aren't thin lips fashionable?"

Lady Liberty's Self-Care

'Nothing to give him an excuse to say I smell like a cemetery'

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

Our manicure special today is 'Text Message Tips.' I contour your nails so you can hit all those tiny little keys!

Jim's Smart Kettle

"The perfume is only £20, the antidote is £250!"

"One day, I'll have teeth like pearls...skin like silk...and a mind like a steel trap!"

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

'If you count my outie, I've got a seven-pack.'

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'