Wellness Joker Pillows

'My dieting pep talks to Mr. Whifley aren't working, Nurse -- Go in there and giggle at him.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

'It's your four basic food groups.'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

'Anaesthetic ok?' - 'Yes, ten double scotches from the pub up the road.'

'You don't have a heart murmur, but your liver is muttering.'

The nutritional devils and angels on your shoulder.

"Yeah. I'm into fitness. Fittin' dis whole sammich in my mouth."

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

"Rolling pizza cutter."

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

Jim's Smart Kettle

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

Roger couldn't understand why his diet wasn't working.

'Lucky for you there was a safety net.'

'I thought you needed some exercise, so I packed 800 pounds of weights in your backpack.'

"You know I always sit there for my keep fit programme!"

'Well my lightest ever was 7lbs 4oz. . .'

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

'This exercise bike's brilliant - it's MOTORISED!'

"But is it Organic?"

"You can't check my pulse while I'm checking your pulse!"

Football crazy

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

"I don't need roughage that badly!"

Fairy Tales in Pandemic Time

'Once he stopped sticking me with needles, I felt great!'