Grooming Joker Pillows

'Before he grew his beard, Kris Kringle was know as St 'Nick', patron saint of people who cut themselves shaving.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

Long-legged clown...

"We've known each other for years Bob, and this grooming style suited you when you were young, but it's time to let it go!"

"I wanna be a clown when I grow up."

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

"Whoever pulls it out becomes King of Britain, but Phil licked the handle, so..."

Psychobabble.

Jim's Smart Kettle

"An apple? Doesn't he have any pizza?"

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

"Hang on a second! This nutcase is allowed on the furniture, but I'm not?!"

'If you count my outie, I've got a seven-pack.'

Football crazy

"I don't need roughage that badly!"

"Has anyone fed the goldfish?"

"Look! Now they offer healthy choices we can glance at before ordering our usual junk."

'Julie,has anyone told you how beautiful you look today? If so send them in for an eye test straight away!'

"Processed food was his undoing. He was eating a salad sandwich in the warehouse, when a pallet of pork pies fell on him!"

Warning: Eating this food could result in a decrease of health benefits

"Wine and women are off but can sing as much as you like!"

'They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no.'

birthday meets reality

"Do I come here often?"

Archbishop Jokes.

"This was supposed to be 'Gluten-Free Comedy Night.' Which means no wheat jokes."

"I call it the 'Fasting diet'. Also known as the 'Where's all the food gone?!!' diet."

"It's Albert's revamped version of the old 'arrow through the head' gag, but it still needs a bit of work."

'A hunger strike seems quite excessive, guys. Could we go on a 'watching our figure' strike instead?'

'Only plaque I ever got was from forgetting to floss.'

What about your 5-a-day?