Grooming Jokesters Pillows

'Actually, he hates having a beard †he just doesn't trust anybody to shave him.'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

'Dwayne deeply regretted not placing his mother in a personal haircare home earlier.'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

"We've known each other for years Bob, and this grooming style suited you when you were young, but it's time to let it go!"

Cleaning the Horse

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Robot porn.

"The Seven Warning Signs of Seven Warning Signs"

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'

'What can we do for you?' - 'I need a song removed from my mind.'

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

'Unfortunately, Rex didn't realize he was about to pee on an electric fence...'