Grooming Jokesters Mugs

'Actually, he hates having a beard †he just doesn't trust anybody to shave him.'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

"We've known each other for years Bob, and this grooming style suited you when you were young, but it's time to let it go!"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

'Dwayne deeply regretted not placing his mother in a personal haircare home earlier.'

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

Cleaning the Horse

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.

Robot porn.

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'

"The Seven Warning Signs of Seven Warning Signs"

Junior's switch to electronic chewing tobacco was short-lived.

'3 pints of lager, 2 gin and tonic, 1 vodka and coke and a replacement liver.'

'What can we do for you?' - 'I need a song removed from my mind.'

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

'Unfortunately, Rex didn't realize he was about to pee on an electric fence...'