Beam Dodger Gifts

"Watch out for the low beams!"

Snooze buttons for cat owners

Timber preservation

'You know, this is a pretty dangerous line of work you're in...'

Portrait sweating above a fireplace

Minefield! Thank you for treading carefully.

'Can you check my balance.'

"How do I turn off my camera so no one stares?"

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

"Oh look! Another crappy grant which requires my goddamned work interact with the f**king community!"

"I don't get it. I hired him to workout for me every day, and I still haven't lost any weight."

'Let's just say, if you were meat, you'd be way past your 'best before' date!'

Bureaucracy (Murphy's law)

Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."

Spring Damage.

"We also offer a plan where you just post pictures and skip the exercise."

How caffeine interacts with human brain cells.

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

"Sorry, dear, but vowing NOT to climb Mount Everest this year isn't a valid New Year's resolution."

'You always have an excuse when it's your turn to buy the drinks.'

"Yeah, almost didn't make it out of that one."

'I don't need to go to a gym. One of my classroom management strategies is to circulate frequently around the room. I figure I walk three miles a day.'

Bob worked hard to avoid the spotlight.

You are here... ...Run!!!

'I thought it was your round.' 'It was, but I'm trying to get in touch with my feminine side.'

'I've got to go, Alice, you know how the boss frowns on personal calls.'

"Must...not gaze into...his eye! For I may...never break free!"

'Now I know why they call you Cinderella... You're always running away from the ball.'

'Hey, we have one of those. You hang your laundry on it.'

Walk right in. Sit right down.

"Ugh . . . nevermind."

Slimming Club: New Members Entry.

"This is my exercise routine, and this is my routine to avoid that exercise routine."

"It's weird... My boss has a freaky way of seeing through my excuses. It's like a sick sense."

Cycling Deaths