Beam Dodger Pillows

"Watch out for the low beams!"

Snooze buttons for cat owners

Timber preservation

'You know, this is a pretty dangerous line of work you're in...'

Portrait sweating above a fireplace

Minefield! Thank you for treading carefully.

'Can you check my balance.'

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

"How do I turn off my camera so no one stares?"

"I don't get it. I hired him to workout for me every day, and I still haven't lost any weight."

Bureaucracy (Murphy's law)

"Oh look! Another crappy grant which requires my goddamned work interact with the f**king community!"

Spring Damage.

Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."

'You always have an excuse when it's your turn to buy the drinks.'

"We also offer a plan where you just post pictures and skip the exercise."

"Yeah, almost didn't make it out of that one."

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

"Sorry, dear, but vowing NOT to climb Mount Everest this year isn't a valid New Year's resolution."

How caffeine interacts with human brain cells.

'I don't need to go to a gym. One of my classroom management strategies is to circulate frequently around the room. I figure I walk three miles a day.'

Bob worked hard to avoid the spotlight.

You are here... ...Run!!!

"It's weird... My boss has a freaky way of seeing through my excuses. It's like a sick sense."

Walk right in. Sit right down.

'Hey, we have one of those. You hang your laundry on it.'

'I've got to go, Alice, you know how the boss frowns on personal calls.'

Slimming Club: New Members Entry.

"This is my exercise routine, and this is my routine to avoid that exercise routine."

"Must...not gaze into...his eye! For I may...never break free!"

"Ugh . . . nevermind."

Cycling Deaths

'After a close examination I think I know why Tabatha keeps wandering onto busy roads.'

'I thought it was your round.' 'It was, but I'm trying to get in touch with my feminine side.'

'Now I know why they call you Cinderella... You're always running away from the ball.'