Beer Dodger Pillows

'Crystal! You didn't duck and cover! If this wasn't just a drill and I had been a real deranged fan, you'd be soaked in beer right now!'

"So, in conclusion, I would like to say that although I haven't actually read the book, I still found it a fascinating and enriching experience.

'He's kind of a rescue dog. He points to where the hardest work is, so that I can run into the opposite direction!'

Health

"I just got a text message from our dehumidifier. It says it doesn't know how much more of this rain it can take."

A genie helps a man fold laundry.

'Ptuwah! This is tap water!'

Melvin would go to any lengths to get away from McDonald's advertising...

Also I don't like coffee, so I'll be working through my coffee breaks.

'You have to learn to face reality.', 'Can't I just sneak up on it?'

'How can he remember 37 passwords but always forget to pick his clothes up off the floor?'

Revenuers will be shot.

'You mean that's all you ever read, designer labels?'

'Whew! Looks like the Tuna Surprise isn't much of a hit!'

"If they find out I'm a flight attendant pretend a heart attack so we can leave early."

"Accursed global warming!"

'Now I know why they call you Cinderella... You're always running away from the ball.'

"Dora's anxiety has always manifested itself in the 'flight response.'"

'Forget the water, give me some golf clubs. I haven't swung a club in days.'

"We interrupt this endless stream of mind-numbing adverts to bring you a TV programme..."

"Bad news...you don't have a deadly disease. You've got to go back to work."

"Severe lactose intolerance - he can't even look at a cow."

"... Oh, he's the fastest in the west alright... The fastest out of the saloon when it's his round!"

THERE IS A MOUSE IN THE HOUSE... WHERE IS THE CAT?

Traffic Court. To be fair, he did pay his ticket.

'Great news! Your father's got a job.'

'He knows every trick in the book. Ironic really as he has never read one in his life!'

Mountaineer dive-bombed by bird

'Is it bad etiquette to bring my universal remote to this party you're dragging me to?'

"I see Rover has introduced himself to you?"

'He doesn't like getting his hair wet.'

"Sorry, Cruz, I flunked my history test...and now I'm grounded."

A periscope in a beer glass

Patches never suspected his best friend had betrayed him.

Dan was becoming increasingly lactose intolerant.