Baseball Season Gifts

'He's our power hitter - but only on sunny days.'

Baseball team emerging from hibernation

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

"This is a great place for someone with Tourette's - you come here, you're just like everyone else."

"From now until October, he'll be quiet as a pussycat."

"Life has its seasons, Kaitlin. This is baseball season."

'Happens a coupla times every season, Dewey. A runner is left stranded on second base. No food. No water... just part of the game.'

'Wow...I've got to admit, Stanley...when you said you always got the best seats I thought you were just blowing smoke.'

'A good, but not a grand slam!'

'Yes, Haffner appears to be tiring...'

Roger Clemens will pitch again when...

'Foul ball!!'

Heckler with ventriloquists' dummy.

'I don't know why, but food always tastes better at the ballpark.'

"Kill the third base umpire."

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

'My pitcher needs to get fired up by the home crowd. Pass the collection basket.'

'Free food. Free place to sleep. And now we get to see a Cubs game - all comp! This is the freakin' life, Louie!'

Please Do Not Throw Cups of Beer At The Players... It's A Waste of Beer.'

"Oh, how I wish the season would start!"

"Strike three, strike three! Please, God, strike three!"

"The seventh-inning triangle pose..."

"The players' contracts, the trades, the free agents, the team payrolls. . . all more interesting than the game."

"Poor Henry - he never returned from the All-Star break."

"It may not be a balk, but it's something."

Mudville

"Why so aloof in here? When you're on base, you yak your ass off with every Yankee in sight."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

Mr. Metamorphosis: "At least this better than waking up as a cockroach."

Church for sports worshipers.

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

"There will be a winning team and a losing team. Are you OK with that?"