Baseball Season Gifts

'He's our power hitter - but only on sunny days.'

Baseball team emerging from hibernation

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

Succumbing to pressure from players and fans, the home plate umpire agrees to undergo on-the-spot Lasik eye surgery.

"This is a great place for someone with Tourette's - you come here, you're just like everyone else."

"From now until October, he'll be quiet as a pussycat."

"Life has its seasons, Kaitlin. This is baseball season."

'Wow! That was some world series, Ella! Both Pujols and Holland were just amazing...'

'Happens a coupla times every season, Dewey. A runner is left stranded on second base. No food. No water... just part of the game.'

'Wow...I've got to admit, Stanley...when you said you always got the best seats I thought you were just blowing smoke.'

'A good, but not a grand slam!'

'Yes, Haffner appears to be tiring...'

Roger Clemens will pitch again when...

'Last Sunday, third inning, White Sox agains the Orioles, a major league first....as every player on the field blows a bubble at the same time."

'Foul ball!!'

Baseball promotions that bombed.

Heckler with ventriloquists' dummy.

'I don't know why, but food always tastes better at the ballpark.'

"Kill the third base umpire."

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

'My pitcher needs to get fired up by the home crowd. Pass the collection basket.'

'Free food. Free place to sleep. And now we get to see a Cubs game - all comp! This is the freakin' life, Louie!'

Please Do Not Throw Cups of Beer At The Players... It's A Waste of Beer.'

"Oh, how I wish the season would start!"

"Strike three, strike three! Please, God, strike three!"

Baseball teams have just opened their spring training camps! I love this time of year when anything is possible in the upcoming season. Maybe one day before the season ends, I'll be at the stadium and stand with the crowd as we anticipate the game's final out! I'll be thrilled if I go to a game and the catchers and home plate umpire are the only ones needing to wear a mask. This could be a special season. If things work out, fans everywhere will feel like winners no matter how their favorit

This is great, Ernie, there's a pennant race and the ballpark is packed every day! The food selection here is unmatched anywhere! Today I've already had nachos, a bit of hot dog and some ice cream! Coming here always makes me queasy! Oh, the foods too much for you? No, I just get nervous in a place where the term "sacrifice fly" is used!

"The seventh-inning triangle pose..."

"The players' contracts, the trades, the free agents, the team payrolls. . . all more interesting than the game."

"Poor Henry - he never returned from the All-Star break."

"It may not be a balk, but it's something."

Mudville

"Why so aloof in here? When you're on base, you yak your ass off with every Yankee in sight."

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'