Banter King Gifts

'My advice would be to loosen his trousers, mate.'

'The fact is, I feel pretty good about myself.' 'You're kidding, right?'

'Your 40th? Well maybe if you're talking about the number of cans you've had!'

Man swipes friend's drink, saying: 'Thanks Dave, I'll have what you're having.'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"He talks so fast, he says things he hasn't even thought of yet."

"Don't worry mate, it's just the drnk talking..."

"To be fair - he DID say he was going to rearrange your face...!"

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'Foster's here, regarding his raise sir. Shall I have him crawl in now, or let him sweat a while?'

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

An Archeologic Dig

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"That fish may be bigger, but I caught more."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

"What do you mean, I hardly moved all night? I was constantly dancing around politics, religion and the weather."

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

The Art of Bantering!

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"