Banter Champion Gifts

Hey, loser. I am not answering to that. You are too, you bumbleheaded dunder-dope. Hold on. You hold on, you slack-jawed half-evolved double-decker dork. I will allow you to settle for loser. I won't negotiate my own insult!

Mom! Billy's censoring me!

"Shall I fry it or flush it?"

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

Annual run-off at the mouth.

'Complete sentences?? Jeez, how verbose can you get?'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'Foster's here, regarding his raise sir. Shall I have him crawl in now, or let him sweat a while?'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

An Archeologic Dig

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"What do you mean, I hardly moved all night? I was constantly dancing around politics, religion and the weather."

The Art of Bantering!

'Your 40th? Well maybe if you're talking about the number of cans you've had!'

'I'll take back 'Rotten Egg' if you'll apologize for 'Dumb Cluck'.'

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

You look lovely tonight. It's a good think the coat-check girl let me check my thought balloons. !!

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"