Banking Policy Humorist Gifts

'The penalty for early withdrawal? Forfeiting the right to make early withdrawals.'

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

Will work for ETFs

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

'If you're out of quarterly earnings, I'll take the assets and liabilities breakdown.'

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

'If you must know... I got the ten-million-dollar bonus this year because... instead of losing 15-million-dollars, we could of possibly lost much, much more!'

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

'I'd recommend against investing in hog futures - what sort of future could a hog have?'

Proud Parent Of A Medical School Student With Huge Debt.

General Motors.

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'Your mortgage is under water...so what's the problem?'

"Any chance of a couple of crumbs?"

'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'

'Worldcon' - financial statement fraud exposed.

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

"And so as a hedge against this trend, the directors have decided to invest heavily in red ink."

"Financial Adviser advises client 'I advise you that you're broke'."

The Mattress Savings Bank

'I miss the great depression.'

'The Buck (after taxes) Stops Here.'

'Your prescription is ready. How would you like to finance it?'

Oh, I can't complain. high profits

'I handle commodities and Dietrich here specialises in stocks and bonds.'

IRS, 'You filed your tax return two days late -- Why do you hate America?'

'My new investment counselor keeps referring to my stock portfolio as 'a financial aneurism waiting to happen'.'

'Honey, have you seen the size of this phone bill.'

"Will you manage my portfolio?"

"Sorry, but you're a loan risk."