Banking Policy Humorist Pillows

'The penalty for early withdrawal? Forfeiting the right to make early withdrawals.'

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

Will work for ETFs

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

'If you're out of quarterly earnings, I'll take the assets and liabilities breakdown.'

'If you must know... I got the ten-million-dollar bonus this year because... instead of losing 15-million-dollars, we could of possibly lost much, much more!'

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

'Give me something that will restore my faith in Equities . . .'

Proud Parent Of A Medical School Student With Huge Debt.

'I'd recommend against investing in hog futures - what sort of future could a hog have?'

"Any chance of a couple of crumbs?"

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'Your mortgage is under water...so what's the problem?'

'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

'Worldcon' - financial statement fraud exposed.

"And so as a hedge against this trend, the directors have decided to invest heavily in red ink."

"Financial Adviser advises client 'I advise you that you're broke'."

'The Buck (after taxes) Stops Here.'

'I told you we should use some pig Latin in our quarterly statement. It's important to have investors trying to decipher something other than our quarterly returns.'

'Your prescription is ready. How would you like to finance it?'

The Mattress Savings Bank

IRS, 'You filed your tax return two days late -- Why do you hate America?'

'I handle commodities and Dietrich here specialises in stocks and bonds.'

'Honey, have you seen the size of this phone bill.'

'Your numbers are WAY off...I'd like to see them SLIGHTLY less off.'

'I miss the great depression.'

"Will you manage my portfolio?"

"Sorry, but you're a loan risk."

'My new investment counselor keeps referring to my stock portfolio as 'a financial aneurism waiting to happen'.'