Backyard Relaxer Gifts

'At least when we lived on a golf course, I could use the balls that fell into our yard.'

"You clicked a box on your phone allowing us to use your location."

"He likes to explore wildlife while being lazy."

A man gets a paper cut while reading in his back yard and is attacked by 'Lawn Sharks'.

'Oh, that's Fred.'

"I told our neighbor to not leave his metal lawn chair out in the sun."

"Ahhh... close enough."

"I figure if I was still employed, I wouldn’t get to spend all this time with you!"

'Will you please stop feeding the pigeons?!'

"Careful. That house has a taser."

"I won't be in today. I've decided to live off the land."

"I'm not angry, but in the future I’d prefer it if you chewed up her Sue Graftons, not my P.G. Wodehouses."

'When are you going to learn to relax?'

"The parasol certainly paid for itself this summer."

Bird Bath.

'A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, a CD player, a laptop computer, a cordless phone and thou.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Gee, mom, you know I want to visit - I'm just so darned busy.'

"It's days like this that make me glad I became a teacher."

A man sitting in the grass reading

'A lovely day, a good meal, and, thank heaven, no guilt.'

"He's 'getting the grill ready for summer,' which means he's washing out the beer cooler."

"I think he just ashed on me."

'Oh, for god's sake just ignore it!'

Leaves falling from a roof garden.

'Like I'm going to give this up to migrate.'

'Why is it that as soon as the sun comes out the flies come out too.'

"I'm in the middle of a local wine tasting tour."

"You may not know this, but I've become quite the wine expert."

Inbox and outbox for books

'Everybody's entitled to have a hobby. Mine's growing grass.'

'I realize you love my boat, but you've been on it for nearly a month now. Do me a favor and go home.'

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

"What … have … you … done?"

'They're clouds, Bob. You can't channel surf.'