Backyard Magician T-Shirts

Organic Beans

'Why doesn't everybody build rockeries using polystyrene rocks?'

"Usually gardeners only have green thumbs, so you must really spend a lot of time in the garden."

Shed Into Dream Playhouse.

'Your fancy new grill works great. . .and we didn't even have to turn it on.'

"I'm watching the dog cheat at solitaire."

'Quit clowning about, Fred.'

Lazy plumber.

'If I don't use the charcoal grill, I get a carbon offset and the fire department gets a day off.'

'And if you squeeze snapdragons just like this, it sort of looks like they're biting something.'

"Well, I thought I'd give fencing a try, but I sucked at it."

Dolphin tricks.

'I still have time for both work and family - thanks to cloning.'

Beer Garden Kit

"Thanks for inviting us over to try out your new hot tub!"

'This guy's FAST!'

Ceiling painter with an umbrella.

Woman shops while man sets up noose. "Do I go with bright white, deep white...."

'I don't see how this roller thing helps. . .'

'For heaven's sake Janet - where have you disappeared to now?'

'Another DIY enthusiast methinks...'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. VII

"I hear the food's good. But try to get a table."

'This is Muriel's kitchen, where the magic happens -- you know, Voodoo and stuff like that.'

Gardening for Beginners

Dave always likes to amuse himself by accusing the sausages of heresy before he throws them on the fire!

Right, just off to the east field to muck spread!

'She's a good coach, and the kids seem to like her. But I still think someone should at least run a background check.'

Gardener's Calendar: January - Look for some out-of-the-way corner and start your compost heap.

'Could you take me through it once more? From the moment you said you couldn't pay the witch doctor's fee.'

'They hired me to work on a ceramic engine.'

"And that's why I don't have a steaming pile of s**t in my back yard."

Strimmer (weed whacker) starts to lift off.

'Looks like rain. I'm finishing for the day!'

"It works!"