Awkwardness Embracer Pillows

"My preference is for someone who's afraid of closeness, like me."

'You have a zit where?'

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

"I think I'm having pre-traumatic stress disorder."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

"I enjoy the one day of the school year...that I didn't forget to do my homework."

"As the years go by, and my hair recedes, I comb my parting with such sweet sorrow."

"Oh, great, there are the Cardwells. Bet you they try to talk to us about their levitating cube."

"I live for the moment. That moment just happens to be in the indefinite future."

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

"God help us, it's that guy."

An Introvert's Guide to Surviving a Party

Man leaves sperm bank. Woman says: 'Thanks, do come again.'

"All in favor of telling Anderson about that thing stuck to his lip, say aye."

"Singing makes me self-conscious."

"Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't...."

"What an awful morning. I left home without my phone."

A cat and a dog are embarrassed to find themselves on an elevator together.

When a teen finds out his parents are volunteering in the youth group.

"Since no one showed up, I'll keep my remarks brief."

'That's funny - the computer said we had mail..'

I've got to run to my job interview! Do I have spinach between my teeth?

"Gee, I hate gatherings like these! I never know the right thing to say..."

Recession the plus side: embarrassing 'water cooler moments' less frequent.

'I checked that birds and bees stuff on the internet, Dad -- it says you're full of baloney.'

The Awkwardly Informal Meet Up Group

'I don't care how educationally beneficial you guys may thing it is, I am not showing you the girl's video. That's what google's for.'

'Going bald isn't all bad - just think, you'll never have dandruff again!'

"All you had to do was ASK us to leave!"

'Your mother is not a good loser is she?'

"I didn't mind the panel interview, but I got creeped out by the group hug at the end."

"Would you like to dance with me?"

"We're going to be late for the awkwardly standing around."