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"My preference is for someone who's afraid of closeness, like me."

'You have a zit where?'

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

"I think I'm having pre-traumatic stress disorder."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

"I enjoy the one day of the school year...that I didn't forget to do my homework."

"As the years go by, and my hair recedes, I comb my parting with such sweet sorrow."

"Oh, great, there are the Cardwells. Bet you they try to talk to us about their levitating cube."

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

"God help us, it's that guy."

An Introvert's Guide to Surviving a Party

Man leaves sperm bank. Woman says: 'Thanks, do come again.'

"All in favor of telling Anderson about that thing stuck to his lip, say aye."

"Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't...."

"Singing makes me self-conscious."

When a teen finds out his parents are volunteering in the youth group.

"What an awful morning. I left home without my phone."

"Since no one showed up, I'll keep my remarks brief."

A cat and a dog are embarrassed to find themselves on an elevator together.

'That's funny - the computer said we had mail..'

"Gee, I hate gatherings like these! I never know the right thing to say..."

'Going bald isn't all bad - just think, you'll never have dandruff again!'

I've got to run to my job interview! Do I have spinach between my teeth?

'I checked that birds and bees stuff on the internet, Dad -- it says you're full of baloney.'

Recession the plus side: embarrassing 'water cooler moments' less frequent.

The Awkwardly Informal Meet Up Group

"All you had to do was ASK us to leave!"

'Your mother is not a good loser is she?'

"Having received your offer of friendship, and after due consideration and given the fact that I don't know you from a bar of soap, I must inform you that I will be declining your request."

"We're going to be late for the awkwardly standing around."

The Land of the Uncomfortable Pause

Bob had a lot to prove – which happens when you're wrong most of the time.

"Would you like to dance with me?"