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"You should have told me you needed advice."

"I think I'm having pre-traumatic stress disorder."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

"It was romantic during dinner, but now it's getting kind of creepy."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

"Oh, great, there are the Cardwells. Bet you they try to talk to us about their levitating cube."

The awkwardness of one's first officeplace fist-bump.

"God help us, it's that guy."

Man leaves sperm bank. Woman says: 'Thanks, do come again.'

"All in favor of telling Anderson about that thing stuck to his lip, say aye."

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

"How embarrassing, I'm literally glued to the television."

"I dooon't know this sooonngg. I'm just heeeere with my daaaaaughter and her frieeeends."

"Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't...."

"Not wearing deodorant is not what I meant by 'respect the local customs'"

"Well...this meeting is about...ummhh...structure and...ummhhh...preparation. Well...ummhh...at least I think so..."

"You told me to mingle, so I have been mingling."

"No, I'm scarier."

When a teen finds out his parents are volunteering in the youth group.

"Since no one showed up, I'll keep my remarks brief."

A cat and a dog are embarrassed to find themselves on an elevator together.

"Are you regular?" "Every morning at 6AM." "That's good." "But I don't wake up until 7."

'Ah, it seems that I've completely misjudged the mood of the evening.'

"‘How is everything?’ Well, I don’t think everything is going very well … but my pasta is excellent, thank you."

'When I said you could pick me up at 8, I assumed you owned a car.'

"Gee, I hate gatherings like these! I never know the right thing to say..."

"There, there, dear. It's perfectly normal for a new bride on her wedding night to shit like a goose on her husband."

'Would you like to come over to my place and see a video of my first marriage?'

Recession the plus side: embarrassing 'water cooler moments' less frequent.

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