Auction Humorist Gifts

"If life was like an auction I think it's safe to say that Roy would fail to make the reserve and would most likely be bought in."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Sympathetic nursing will work wonders

'Dogs are so silly: Just throw a ball or a stick and they'll chase it and bring it back!'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

"Well, here's the problem. You been takin' the hair ball pills and givin' the Viagra to the cats."

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

"Wow, these slippers are really warm!"

For speedy operation and ease of control get a pony.

"Yes, one is a dog."

"The Eggsorcist"

'Of course I'm being catty. How else do you expect me to act?'

Hats and Food

"Scuba cow"

'...Excuse me...Whoops, my fault!..Sorry!..You first...Pardon Me...Sorry...S'cuse me...Look out!...Pardon'

'Jurassic Pork.'

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"Grass-cream! Thanks Mum!"

"Yep. Looks like we have ringworm."

"Yes, it's a safe: I was fed up with my winter provisions being raided by freeloaders!"

'Well, I guess we're the control group.'

No jay walking.

"That product you are using is fantastic. Your eye bags are gone."

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'Bird Watching is fun, but it tends to make me salivate...'

Northeastern Deer/Southwestern Deer

"Toadstool you say? No, this is snailstool now!"

"Did you know he'd joined a squirrel watchers club?"

"You might want to start bringing more carrots home, dear. I think I have an ingrown hare."

'Settle an argument. Which is better incessant barking or meowing?'

"Hey! There's a hair in my soup!"

"All you're doing is emboldening cats."