Auction Humorist Gifts

"If life was like an auction I think it's safe to say that Roy would fail to make the reserve and would most likely be bought in."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Sympathetic nursing will work wonders

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'Dogs are so silly: Just throw a ball or a stick and they'll chase it and bring it back!'

"Wow, these slippers are really warm!"

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

"Well, here's the problem. You been takin' the hair ball pills and givin' the Viagra to the cats."

For speedy operation and ease of control get a pony.

'Jurassic Pork.'

"Yes, one is a dog."

'Of course I'm being catty. How else do you expect me to act?'

'...Excuse me...Whoops, my fault!..Sorry!..You first...Pardon Me...Sorry...S'cuse me...Look out!...Pardon'

"Scuba cow"

"The Eggsorcist"

Hats and Food

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"Yes, it's a safe: I was fed up with my winter provisions being raided by freeloaders!"

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

"Grass-cream! Thanks Mum!"

"Yep. Looks like we have ringworm."

'Well, I guess we're the control group.'

'Mom and dad...if someone threw a rock at me, it would really be like killing two birds with one stone.' 'I told you if we had a child, he'd be a wise-quacker.'

"That product you are using is fantastic. Your eye bags are gone."

No jay walking.

'Settle an argument. Which is better incessant barking or meowing?'

Northeastern Deer/Southwestern Deer

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"You might want to start bringing more carrots home, dear. I think I have an ingrown hare."

"I'm concerned. You seem to have catlike reflexes."

"I think I'm beginning to embrace humiliation."

"Did you know he'd joined a squirrel watchers club?"

"All you're doing is emboldening cats."

"Hey! There's a hair in my soup!"