Classified Ad Humorist Gifts

"Ooh, this one sounds interesting, 'Single, vegetarian, bulbous, with moves like a lava lamp'."

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

Football Chameleon

"The Eggsorcist"

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"It's a 'Black eye friday'. I got it in a fight over a 56 inch TV."

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"What other tricks does he need?"

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The mysterious ancient stone figures of Keister Island.

'People have been known to lose an eye when a wink goes seriously wrong.'

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

"We are here to remove a blockage in your bank account."

Mouse real estate!

These Sales Reps get more aggressive every year.

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

Artist uses connect-the-dots canvas to paint nude model.

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"So, Owen tells me you guys met in art school."

"It's not my fault - how was I to know you'd look scary with your clothes off?"

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

Nude conductor of Orchestra conducting 'The full Monte-verdi'

Murphy bed...Murphy.

'Hi! -- I'm selling theory insurance!'

Palm Reading

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

"Gracie, you're a good mud artist."

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

A building covered in signs reading 'boats'.

'It says this artist is making a statement about man's struggle with the rising cost of oil paint.'

"Keep your eyes peeled Jenkins - another photocopiers gone missing."

'That's right. Ploughman's lunch; Egg, beans and sausage. It's what he orders every time he comes in here.'

Sheepdog