Attending Art Exhibitions Gifts

'Did Andy Warhol really do all this without photoshop?'

'My work is about having a big tin f grey paint in the shed.'

'Sorry, Steve, but we're trading you to France for two impressionists and a dadaist to be named later.'

"Er, excuse me... My eyes are down here, pal!"

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

"Well....I could've done this!"

It's a call from Tate modern.

"It's a mobile."

Art Gallery.

'I agree, this artist will go far and he should start right now!'

'It's like a piece of music, like Mozart or Beethoven.'

"He had the Guggenheim in mind, I think."

"I could do that."

'I may not know much about art. But, I don't know what I like either.'

Tilted painting

'Personally, I don't question these things. My snout period will simply end when it ends.'

"Apparently he only uses fugitive colours."

"Is that all you can say - 'It's not messy'?"

His new 'Absence of Anything' reminds me strangely of his earlier blank 'Nothing to Say' canvasses."

"But all it's playing is Mussorgsky's 'pictures at an exhibition'."

"In this piece, the price clearly does not reflect what the artist is trying to say."

"I detect an accent – money?"

"Who's the artist?"

"Apparently, he had occasional sober periods."

Tracey Emin - Private view.

"I like it. Just trying to imagine how it would look in my yoga studio."

"It's taken her years to develop that naive, spontaneous, style."

Whistler exhibition - "I trust you will have some apposite comments to make eh, Ruskin?

"I'm expected to write a good review of this stuff... So here I go with some confusing art rhetoric."

"I like it, it takes me back to my childhood."

"I collect art. Or trash, depending on your point of view."

"So you're an investor who dabbles in art? I happen to be an artist who dabbles in money."

"I suffer for my art..."

I paint landscapes to cleanse my palette.

'I'm really a painter and decorator - I only do this to pay the bills.'