Aspirin Analyst Gifts

'Why do they make asprin so blindingly white.'

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

'I had no idea aspirin came in such a large bottle.'

Turkish Democracy

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

"I'm prescribing a patch. It will dispense meds as permitted by your insurance company."

"This may be Malcolm Gladwell talking, but we were married on the wrong day!"

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

'Every team needs a role player. And your role on this team, Bill, is to sit at that desk and crunch numbers.'

Oh, the usual. They're watching 'American Idol' and I'm watching Americans idle.

Giving an Oscar to an animal actor would put the academy awards into context.

"Tractors, Sir - thousands of 'em!"

'Where do you want to go for breakfast, fancy an Australian or do you want to nip over to Hawaii?'

'If you begin to feel unwell, start or stop taking aspirin...'

"I got a tweet from Putin NOT to attack Iran."

'He does what he wants - I blame that new manager, Mourinho!'

Who's Dead

What can I get you, Uncle Mort? An answer. How many countries are we at war with right now? One? … No wait … Two? No wait … Seven? … No wait … oh yeah. The answer is none. If none of them are "declared." Then none of them count as "wars." It's in the Constitution. That's not what the Constitution means!!!

'So far, the only dreams I've achieved have been nightmares.'

"It's been a bit of a roller coaster year so far."

'This charge is for the office visit, this charge is for blood work, and this charge just about pays off the doc's school loan.'

"If they shorten political campaigns, what will we do for entertainment?"

Red State Football

Development in Russia after the Soviet Union...

"…And what do you think the cracker might represent?"

"I attribute most of my problems in the third grade to the media."

'What's wrong, people? You wanna be sooper-dooper safe, don't you?'

"So, Ms. Mayfly. Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Uncle Mort's Storytime. Billy the pachyderm was a nice guy who got a sticker stuck in his thigh. Restrooms. Went he for help to his mouse friend Fred … I'll take our yer sticker, Dr Fred said. Just one question before I advance. Who do you have for your insurance? I am not covered, poor Billy cried. So, limp Billy did 'till the day he died. Waaaaaah!

Economy - 'And this is where you took the day off to watch the cricket.'

"He passed out from apoplectic rage directed at Trump's voter fraud conspiracies."

Surfer and the Whale

'Looks like I might have to rethink the football idea!'

"Hmm, offhand, I'd say you have a nasty case of tennis elbow!"