Ashes Fan Gifts

'Now then you two, you can't both be Australia - one of you has to be England!'

'...I don't like your chances!'

'Hold on just a few more minutes. I want mine medium well.'

A man is trying to play golf with a football boot attached to a stick.

Sheep In Curlers

"Heads or tails?"

'Why can't you collect shells like the other kids?'

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

"Sir, our hood ornament is slowing us down."

'The only New Year's resolution he's still got intact is not to watch the England cricket team in Australia on television.'

"What do you mean, 'Climate change is not just humbug?'"

Remote control car breakdown.

'Why Isaac Newton kept returning to alchemy...' 'There's just no money in gravity.'

"It's just that they usually ask for their ASHES to be scattered!"

'Wait a second! This fish is made out of TOFU!'

"After all these years, I'm sure of only one thing: when I heat the liquid, it boils."

"We're saved! We're saved!"

"Whose great idea was the four four two formation."

"Professor, just how long did you say that evolution thing takes?"

'My doctor told me to eat less fish.'

"Yes we need it back. The team fired you, not Sharky."

"The sign says you can swim to civilization from here, but that sounds unlikely."

Go Britain!

Pick A Lawyer

'Out batted, out bowled, out fielded!'

"Oh, for God's sake, Harold, please close your mouth when you chew your food! This is a fancy restaurant."

Restaurant Apps of the Deep

'The least of your worries in this school is a bully will take your lunch money.'

"And what can I get for you, hamsome?"

Relies on Radar