Armchair Referees Gifts

Player Status.

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

Turkish Democracy

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

'I'd better make a note of your blood group...'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

But does he dust anything at our home? Noooo

"With the prices they charge these days I can't afford to throw a pie or can off beer at the ref."

Woman watches football match played by a mug of tea, salt pot and ketchup bottle, she says to husband: 'Your explanation of the offside rule was spot on.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

Goalkeeper makes the wrong save.

"This may be Malcolm Gladwell talking, but we were married on the wrong day!"

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

Yeah, I've been driving in circles for an hour looking for a place to park. Zamboni.

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

Get back in that locker room! Go on - scat! ... Anyone else forget to wash his hands?'

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'Every team needs a role player. And your role on this team, Bill, is to sit at that desk and crunch numbers.'

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

'Now what?!'

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

'Upon further review, the pig did not have control of the ball prior to being eaten...'