Armchair Commentator Gifts

"I guess 80 is the new 100."

A Very Small and Complacent TV Station: '...And the final score between the Brewers and the Centennials was four to three...or four all...something like that...whatever...'

"I can't switch from this reality show to the news...this is the news."

"What a terrible night on telly, I didn't find one thing offensive."

"Remember when the safest topic was the weather?"

Turkish Democracy

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

The intellectual.

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

'Cartoonist thinking'

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"This may be Malcolm Gladwell talking, but we were married on the wrong day!"

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

'Every team needs a role player. And your role on this team, Bill, is to sit at that desk and crunch numbers.'

Sports Radio in Crisis

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

'Which channel would you like to tut at tonight?'

Tree of Public Opinion.

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

"We're at the Grand Marina Hotel in Barcelona. Some sheepdog you turned out to be."

And now, for a rebuttal.

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

"Actually, we will replace you."

"C'mon, Hillary – just answer the question!"

The United States of Amazement

"This is gonna be great!"

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"