Armchair Commentator Prints

"I guess 80 is the new 100."

A Very Small and Complacent TV Station: '...And the final score between the Brewers and the Centennials was four to three...or four all...something like that...whatever...'

"I can't switch from this reality show to the news...this is the news."

"What a terrible night on telly, I didn't find one thing offensive."

"Remember when the safest topic was the weather?"

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

Wifi in Hell

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

The intellectual.

Turkish Democracy

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

'Cartoonist thinking'

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"This may be Malcolm Gladwell talking, but we were married on the wrong day!"

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

Sports Radio in Crisis

'Every team needs a role player. And your role on this team, Bill, is to sit at that desk and crunch numbers.'

Sir Patrick Moore.

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

Tree of Public Opinion.

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

'Which channel would you like to tut at tonight?'

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

Oh, the usual. They're watching 'American Idol' and I'm watching Americans idle.

And now, for a rebuttal.

"We're at the Grand Marina Hotel in Barcelona. Some sheepdog you turned out to be."

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

The United States of Amazement

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

Red State Football