Armchair Analysts Gifts

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

"It doesn't really matter who wins the next election, as long as we can keep consuming whatever we want."

Spring Training Camp. Have you ever thrown spitballs? Not since the league started testing saliva.

Republicans searching for fraud.

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

Turkish Democracy

The intellectual.

"One side is for depression, the other is for anxiety, and if you're still confused make an appointment with the cat."

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

"This may be Malcolm Gladwell talking, but we were married on the wrong day!"

'Every team needs a role player. And your role on this team, Bill, is to sit at that desk and crunch numbers.'

Kim-Putin Summit

"Go ask your mother ... and I'll tell you why she's wrong."

'Voodoo economics was bad enough, but this voodoo foreign policy....'

'Which channel would you like to tut at tonight?'

Oh, the usual. They're watching 'American Idol' and I'm watching Americans idle.

"We're at the Grand Marina Hotel in Barcelona. Some sheepdog you turned out to be."

Psychiatrist to man dressed in baseball jersey: 'You've never gotten over the fact your father wouldn't play catch with you?'

'And remember...no sudden moves in the shoot out.'

"Italy's national debt runs into trillions. How do you repossess a country?"

The next drone flight

Red State Football

Who's Dead

What can I get you, Uncle Mort? An answer. How many countries are we at war with right now? One? … No wait … Two? No wait … Seven? … No wait … oh yeah. The answer is none. If none of them are "declared." Then none of them count as "wars." It's in the Constitution. That's not what the Constitution means!!!

Gladstone Gives Disraeli a Bloody Nose over Schleswig-Holstein

"If they shorten political campaigns, what will we do for entertainment?"

"C'mon, Hillary – just answer the question!"

'He does what he wants - I blame that new manager, Mourinho!'

"Honey, come quick! I think I just bought Greece on Ebay!"