Armchair Journalist Gifts

"Squirrel news of the day: Same as yesterday. Good night and good luck."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

They're Not Just That Into It

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

The intellectual.

Turkish Democracy

'I hate bloody football! It's just a bunch of over-rated, overpaid nancy boys kicking a b-' - 'Genuine football fans may leave work early to avoid missing the start of important World Cup fixtures.' - 'C'mon England!'

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

"This may be Malcolm Gladwell talking, but we were married on the wrong day!"

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comments section just solved the Middle East crisis."

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

'Every team needs a role player. And your role on this team, Bill, is to sit at that desk and crunch numbers.'

'Which channel would you like to tut at tonight?'

'War protestor': 'Oh no! Not this again...'

Oh, the usual. They're watching 'American Idol' and I'm watching Americans idle.

"I cede the remainder of my time to the ranking member."

Bob liked getting involved - but not actively involved.

"We're at the Grand Marina Hotel in Barcelona. Some sheepdog you turned out to be."

Lisbon Treaty.

'He does what he wants - I blame that new manager, Mourinho!'

Red State Football

Campaign 2016

What can I get you, Uncle Mort? An answer. How many countries are we at war with right now? One? … No wait … Two? No wait … Seven? … No wait … oh yeah. The answer is none. If none of them are "declared." Then none of them count as "wars." It's in the Constitution. That's not what the Constitution means!!!

"C'mon, Hillary – just answer the question!"

"If they shorten political campaigns, what will we do for entertainment?"

Gladstone Gives Disraeli a Bloody Nose over Schleswig-Holstein

"Listen, everybody; as a special treat, David will now read us several of his recent letters to The New York Times, chiding them for criticizing Israel."

"I got a tweet from Putin NOT to attack Iran."

Famous Pieces of Paper

Who's Dead

'Primitive people drew symbols on paper to communicate, or as grandmom calls it, writing.'

Development in Russia after the Soviet Union...