Armchair Historians Gifts

''Star Trek,' or 'The Waltons' I could understand... but a 'Geraldo' marathon?'

Genghis Khan, master of the Mongolian steps.

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

They're Not Just That Into It

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

Vote Centrist to Keep Things Exactly as Awful as They Are

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

The intellectual.

Inside One's Memory Bank

Euripides: 'If we could be twice young and twice old, we could correct all our mistakes.'

"You think two weeks in isolation is hard?"

Castle, Cafe + Gift Shop.

The Evolution Of Man.

Arthur Schopenhauer

The Wright brothers discover the first nightmare flight

This Is What Moral Corruption Looks Like

The Great Leap Forward

"De l'huile bouillante, pas du fromage fondu!"

"Plagiarist!"

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"That's my dad back when he was, like, militarized."

The Brief collaboration Alfred Nobel And Thomas Edison

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.

'Could you carve the Commandments in stone? -- otherwise they'll think I made them up.'

Look, Oog and Whonk just invented the intersection.

'Which channel would you like to tut at tonight?'

'Let your people go? - after all the trouble I went to getting them full employment?'

Eye Off the Ball

Uncle Mort, you fought in Korea, right? You think that war will start up again? Not if I can help it. It was the morning of July 27, nineteen hundred and fifty-three. I was pinned down on Pork Chop Hill. My bazooka had run out of ammo. All I could find to load into it was a stuffed panda bear. I loaded it and fired that bear into the maw of the enemy. It struck one of them atop the noggin. Moments later, the armistice was signed. Every July 27th, I awaken at dawn and chuck that same panda at the

'Under blood type, sir, could you be a little more specific than blue?'

"We're at the Grand Marina Hotel in Barcelona. Some sheepdog you turned out to be."

'One advantage of living through the plagues and wars of the 14th century was that you didn't have to study Chaucer.'

"Don't you sometimes worry that if they do give us our stuff back we'll lose some of the sense of grievance that's so crucial to our cultural identity?"

The first 'outside the box' thinker.