Assistant Referee Gifts

'I still say making correct decisions would be a better way of preventing crowd abuse, Arthur.'

Assistant Referee's Wives

'Now remember, say nothing about their looks!'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

But does he dust anything at our home? Noooo

"With the prices they charge these days I can't afford to throw a pie or can off beer at the ref."

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

'I'd better make a note of your blood group...'

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

Woman watches football match played by a mug of tea, salt pot and ketchup bottle, she says to husband: 'Your explanation of the offside rule was spot on.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

Goalkeeper makes the wrong save.

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

Yeah, I've been driving in circles for an hour looking for a place to park. Zamboni.

Get back in that locker room! Go on - scat! ... Anyone else forget to wash his hands?'

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'Now what?!'

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

'Upon further review, the pig did not have control of the ball prior to being eaten...'

College of Referee Training: 'Congratulations, you failed your eye test abysmally!'

"... and come out fighting, boys."

'That's a personal foul, roughing the passer!'

'I'm sure it's a violation, but I can't find it in the rule book.'

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'