Sports Refereeing Gifts

'Degree in Psychology and a former Referee. I think your qualified to be a School Bus Driver.'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

'What distance! Pity it wasn't the hammer!'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

"With the prices they charge these days I can't afford to throw a pie or can off beer at the ref."

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

'I'd better make a note of your blood group...'

Egyptian Football

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

But does he dust anything at our home? Noooo

Woman watches football match played by a mug of tea, salt pot and ketchup bottle, she says to husband: 'Your explanation of the offside rule was spot on.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

Get back in that locker room! Go on - scat! ... Anyone else forget to wash his hands?'

'It looks suspiciously like Killer Hart is taking a dive!'

The Unsportables: Javelin Throw

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

'The only thing exciting about these games is our dads fighting with the umpire.'

"Compromise? What the hell is there between safe and out?"

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.

Goalkeeper makes the wrong save.

Yeah, I've been driving in circles for an hour looking for a place to park. Zamboni.

Pole Vault Rules

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'I finished last, but I was the only one who passed the drug test.'

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

'Now what?!'