Hockey Referee Gifts

'Set your phaser on 'stun' and fire at will'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

'Sean Connery was the best James Bond!'

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

'I'd better make a note of your blood group...'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

"With the prices they charge these days I can't afford to throw a pie or can off beer at the ref."

Why moms make bad refs.

But does he dust anything at our home? Noooo

Woman watches football match played by a mug of tea, salt pot and ketchup bottle, she says to husband: 'Your explanation of the offside rule was spot on.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

'You haven't heard the best thing. . .no referees.'

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

Jocko, a man for all sports' seasons.

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.

Goalkeeper makes the wrong save.

Yeah, I've been driving in circles for an hour looking for a place to park. Zamboni.

Get back in that locker room! Go on - scat! ... Anyone else forget to wash his hands?'

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

'Now what?!'

'Are referees black with white stripes or white with black stripes?'

'Upon further review, the pig did not have control of the ball prior to being eaten...'

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

'That's a personal foul, roughing the passer!'

College of Referee Training: 'Congratulations, you failed your eye test abysmally!'

'Honest, sir. I'm sorry! I take it all back.'

'I'm sure it's a violation, but I can't find it in the rule book.'

Wisely, many wedding planners are hiring refs to monitor the bouquet toss.