Armchair Intellectual Gifts

'I want a classic that reveals eternal truths, absolute justice and moral courage without challenging my basic prejudices.'

The intellectual.

"So how come you never sent them a 'common-sense' pandemic."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"Do you honestly believe we evolved from a single snow flake?"

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Feel free to take notes."

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

Turkish Democracy

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

Canine obidience class: 'He wouldn't budge from the armchair.'

The dangerous world of the armchair thinker

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

The Three Kinds of People

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

"Lemme guess: You're struggling with the French press again."

"This may be Malcolm Gladwell talking, but we were married on the wrong day!"

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

"I don't believe in egrets."

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comments section just solved the Middle East crisis."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

'Every team needs a role player. And your role on this team, Bill, is to sit at that desk and crunch numbers.'

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"But now the good guy with a gun has a foot wound."

'Which channel would you like to tut at tonight?'

'War protestor': 'Oh no! Not this again...'