Armchair Intellectual Gifts

'I want a classic that reveals eternal truths, absolute justice and moral courage without challenging my basic prejudices.'

The intellectual.

"So how come you never sent them a 'common-sense' pandemic."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Do you honestly believe we evolved from a single snow flake?"

"Feel free to take notes."

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

Canine obidience class: 'He wouldn't budge from the armchair.'

Turkish Democracy

The dangerous world of the armchair thinker

'I hate bloody football! It's just a bunch of over-rated, overpaid nancy boys kicking a b-' - 'Genuine football fans may leave work early to avoid missing the start of important World Cup fixtures.' - 'C'mon England!'

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

"I should've never studied canon law."

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

The Three Kinds of People

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

"This may be Malcolm Gladwell talking, but we were married on the wrong day!"

"Lemme guess: You're struggling with the French press again."

"Honey, come quick! This guy in the comments section just solved the Middle East crisis."

"I don't believe in egrets."

It's 10PM. Do you know who is in control of Pakistan's nukes?

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

'Are we watching business news or sports news?'

'Every team needs a role player. And your role on this team, Bill, is to sit at that desk and crunch numbers.'

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."