Anxious Dad Pillows

"The economy doesn’t make me half as nervous as my kids do."

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

'I don't have time for throwing up.'

'With these alternative fertility treatments you never quite know how things turn out,'

"You go out first. Signal me if it's safe!!"

"He won't eat anything but corn."

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

Trust

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

'News headline: Britain unsafe to bring up young children.'

"'Routine examination' were the only two words in the doctor's mind when he placed the stethoscope on..."

Push, push, push...

"My wife is about to have a baby, so I was wondering if you could make me work late for the next eighteen years or so."

The (literal) birth of Venus.

"I'm not against having more children, I'd just like to finish with this one first."

'Run around with sharp objects and you'll poke an eye out!'

She Had Enough To Drink.

'I guess I wasn't thinking. I bought a return ticket.'

"I like it; but let's make sure we can get the domain name first."

"Which one's mine?!"

"No. I can't tell if it's a...Mug or tie. Either way, happy Father's Day."

Maternity doctor with a plunger

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

'It's sad to think of raising him in a world with looming tort reform.'

"And this will protect him from distemper."

"They'll come home. They're microchipped."

Give me whatever and make it fast. What? What do you mean? My wife gave me ten minutes of freedom for Father's Day. And I burned through three of those just sprinting over here. We have four children and a fifth one any day now. She's tired in bed so I'm on 24/7 kid duty. I haven't left the house, taken a shower, or gone potty by myself since 2015. My ear hairs are skinny secret babies that whisper to me at night that I may be going insane. So for Father's Day, my loving wife granted me ten flee

"It's an educational toy. Let HIM figure out how to assemble it!"

'With a boss, a wife and three teenaged kids, I haven't had much time to worry about international affairs.'

'Welcome to pre-natal kindergarten. First we'll review your pre-born's cirriculum and then I'll assign womb numbers.'

'Maybe tomorrow.'

A pet cage wrapped in chains make the other customers in the waiting room nervous,

"Okay! I'm letting go! Just stay straight! Do not get hurt! Your mother will never forgive me!!"

'I wish you wouldn't carry knives in your trousers - they make such holes in your pockets!'

"The Remote."