Anti-snob Gifts

'If by 'great', you mean 'terrible', then yes, we have plenty of great wines for under $5.00 a bottle.'

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

"It was a holiday I'll never forget...I saw life in the raw!"

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

'We're out of earshot now, so you can drop the phoney, Oxbridge accent.'

Man with wine glass face looks unhappy.

'It's first flush Darjeeling darling!'

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

"Everybody comfortable? Got what they want? Know their place?"

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

Sporting snobs talk about hunting on turnpike roads

Champagne at the hunt

'Brand X, the wine for those with indiscriminate taste.'

The simultaneous development of dining and pomposity.

"I believe this is one of Rembrandt's earliest selfies."

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

'He's a very superior dog. Even his fleas have pedigrees!'

"Hints of migrant workers on the nose."

'New money or old money?'

"C'mon dude, these are not your people."

"It's all good – but some of it is better."

"I don't wanna 'adult' today."

Difference between regular and French onion soup? "When I serve the French onion soup, I sneer."

"Nope, no need to smell the cork."

"It's our latest objet d'art, of course we can't use it!"

'That's quite a bit you're inheriting. I suppose you realize this will force you to start learning about wine.'

"I keep asking you for ideas, Hibblemeyer, and you keep drawing blanks."

"I'm enrolled in a total immersion wine class."

David Cameron Parenting Classes: 'After registering them for Eton the next most important thing is selecting the right nanny!'

'He's a mixed breed.'

"We spent the summer on the Côte de Jersey."

"Of course, it's a very early Rembrandt."

Ned Thompson, unpretentious wine taster.

Fiction book sales.