Anti-mugging Aficionado Gifts

"Can I show you what I learned in self-defence school?"

'Where was the TSA?'

"Of course, if they ever start to suspect all their TVs are watching them back, we may have problems."

She required plenty of personal space.

'You can all relax and resume your game. The unattended bag discovered on the infield turned out to be the second base.'

Next camera crew 5 mins

"Sorry kid, I work alone."

CCTV in church.

"Hackers, Sire! They've broken through our firewall."

"I want one that detects intrusions by hackers, then blows their computers to bits!"

Who are the most important people at the World Cup?

'You can social network me behind my ears if you like.'

Biro Security

The Ayatollah Bomb?

"I'm retired now - since I sold my 'know when you're naughty or nice' technology to NSA last year."

"Rest assured, anything you say in this office won't get repeated by me."

'This biometric ID badge is part of the new security system. The badge contains my encoded retinal scan, fingerprints, and level of job enthusiasm.'

'Make it look like an accident.'

"Fifth robbery this week. That's not a security camera ??" a local TV news station installed it to save time."

"If you're my gramma you wouldn't have a problem consenting to a retina scan!"

'Oh Elias! It's simply the cutest bear rug I ever did see!'

'Don't worry -- the security camera is for your own protection.'

'Someone is reading our emails. I'm afraid this means we're going to have to talk to each other.'

The ultimate Secret Service demotion. We're sending you to guard Mount Rushmore.

'He's Barack Obama? I thought you said 'he brought a bomb on!''

Diner. Breakfast Specials. I'm a type "C" personality. Until I have my morning coffee I have no personality at all.

The prime minister: the current threat to national security...

"Identity theft hotline? Yes, it's Dracula again. Millions of people are still stealing my identity on Halloween."

'Principal McWit, a student without an appointment is here and says he's holding your computer access codes for ransom.'

"I believe this is a case for Sherlock Holmes..."

'They take patient privacy so seriously around here they encrypt your name!'

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

'This fridge is fitted with CCTV.'

'Halt! User name and password.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."