Anti-celebrator Pillows

'I hate Christmas, New Year's Day, Lincoln's Birthday, Valentine's Day, George Washington's Birthday, St Patrick's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day,Flag Day,July 4th,Columbus Day, Veteran's Day and Thanksgiving!'

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

Non-Denominational Carols

Dollar Sign Christmas Tree.

"You know I hate birthdays!"

"I want the contract to say that if we win a championship of any sort, no one spills champagne on my head."

"Sorry, I don't really believe in being social offline."

"I'm kind of a big deal in antisocial media."

"You're not supposed to throw tinned rice!"

Festivus poles

"Birthday? No? Anniversary?

"We'd like to promote the concept of a nontraditional Thanksgiving."

'This year I'm celebrating Valentines Day by myself, I have to economize.'

'I'm looking for something not written by a celebrity.'

Christmas jig

'He drinks to forget and today it's our wedding anniversary.'

Scrooge: only-23-days until day after Christmas.

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

"We've run out of weather-based excuses for this month - we're going to have to find some moral grounds on which to boycott this party.'"

Christmas party for the home worker

Man replaces a bust with one of himself.

"Food as metaphor for love? Again?"

'To a vinculo matrimonii.'

Queen Mum (colour)

Christmas: Let's get it over with.

'I've decided to give up Lent.'

Fear of Birthdays.

Chinese dragon in the men's room

'I don't care if he drove in the winning run. On this team, we slap high fives or bump fists. We do not plant wet ones right on the lips.'

"I feel the same way you do about Christmas. It will all be over soon."

'He made a Hole in One, and a thousand dollar bet he could keep quiet about it.'

'I hate Monday mornings!'

Getting older.

"Man, I'm going to regret this when I sober up."

'Happy New Year? What was wrong with last year?'