Anti-aging Guru Gifts

"Your mother's trying to become wrinkle-free."

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

Self help acupuncture

You only have time for one: Choose your fighter - Exercise, Wash Your Hair, Eat, Breathe

"All I do is swim and eat plankton, but do I lose weight?"

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

"We're just going to have to face the fact that you're not a puppy anymore!"

'Twenty years ago I began jogging five miles a day - could you tell me where I am?'

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"I'd like to start the 'Wellness at Work' training by offering you some guidance on diet and exercise."

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

'You may not feel any healthier right away, but you'll definitely feel more smug.'

"You're in perfect health and look half your age – I'm prescribing something to help you shut up about it."

"Eternally youthful complexion? Here's the deal. Never go out in the sun. Never eat dessert. And, for God's sake, don't smile."

National Academy of Sport

Tired executive going into gym coming out gleaming

'When I turned 18 something started happening to me every month. I started receiving a credit card bill.'

Congratulations on the new you!

Keep Fit.

'I gotta lose some weight.'

Do you think I'm sixty?

"You're sick of this? Just try to imagine how we feel."

'Don't all look at me like that! What did you expect the face pack to do for me?'

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

'Apply that ointment as directed and call me if the growth does not reduce or it starts to talk.'

"Your bedside health care book ... thanks for not reading it."

"Your records indicate a great deal of early promise however you've apparently become old and bald."

'Of course she hasn't aged a bit. She's married to a plastic surgeon!'

Pre-Old Blues

'Follow this diet, and soon the temple of your soul will just be a small chapel.'

"If they do let anyone go I don't think age will be a consideration. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to look younger than you are."

Cosmetics. Helps get rid of crow's feet.

Humpty Dumpty in Occupational Therapy