Ancient Anecdotes Gifts

'Okay, but don't try to operate it until I invent insurance.'

Santa Claus's wife beats the soot out of his beard.

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'The next piece contains sex, violence, and Homeric epithets.'

Only then, did Medusa realise her mistake.

'O mighty gods! - May you grant us food, clothing, and shelter, and the wisdom to know the difference.'

'Caesar salad?'

'Can you just send the digital copy?'

'Silly me. I thought his 'Catch and Release' bumper sticker referred to his philosophy on trout fishing.'

Ask Sadie! I just read an article where Daisy Ridley said J.J. Abrams wrote drafts for Episode VIII and Episode IX. And then Rian Johnson THREW THAT OUT and went a whole different direction. This makes me lose all faith in Star Wars. Am I overreacting? **Actual reader question. Excellent question. This reminds me of the time I saw Gone with the Wind on opening day. I was the invited guest of an elderly veteran of the Civil War. He couldn't stop yammering about how seceding from the union didn't

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"I don't know. He just said he had discovered something and we had to come over and see it."

'Don't believe everything you read.'

Eurydice in prison

"I've been window-shopping..."

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

'No, the Tower of Babel wasn't built for better phone reception.'

Newton discovers surrealism

'... And as soon as it's discovered, don't play with fire!'

"If this doesn't distract him, Ulysses, we'll go with the sheep idea."

'Ferguson's not at his desk -- He must be sleepwalking again!'

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'How's your novel coming along?'

Ok, who told him to stick his tongue on the iceberg?

'When I was your age we had to carry our water from the spring in a bucket...and then we'd get it out with a dipper!'

'I'd like now to introduce Len who will tell slightly humourous stories in his inimicable self-serving way,'

Queen Ranavola of Madagascar executed any of her subjects who appeared in her dreams....

Klytaemnestra

"Lassie is merely billed as America's best-loved dog."

'I couldn't get the cap off the prescription bottle. What did you die of?'

'The middle east eh! See somebody's wife has been turned into a pillar of salt, the Hittites are at it again, a load of slaves have escaped fro Egypt by parting the sea, and some lot have destroyed the walls of Jericho with trumpets, when will ever end?'

Sooner or Later

'Dad's not getting the hang of the new technology, is he?'

'My only suspicion was that they might be regifting.'