Ancient Anecdotes Gifts

'Okay, but don't try to operate it until I invent insurance.'

Santa Claus's wife beats the soot out of his beard.

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'The next piece contains sex, violence, and Homeric epithets.'

'Caesar salad?'

Only then, did Medusa realise her mistake.

'O mighty gods! - May you grant us food, clothing, and shelter, and the wisdom to know the difference.'

'Can you just send the digital copy?'

'Silly me. I thought his 'Catch and Release' bumper sticker referred to his philosophy on trout fishing.'

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

"I don't know. He just said he had discovered something and we had to come over and see it."

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

"I've been window-shopping..."

Eurydice in prison

'Don't believe everything you read.'

'No, the Tower of Babel wasn't built for better phone reception.'

Newton discovers surrealism

'... And as soon as it's discovered, don't play with fire!'

"If this doesn't distract him, Ulysses, we'll go with the sheep idea."

'Ferguson's not at his desk -- He must be sleepwalking again!'

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'How's your novel coming along?'

'When I was your age we had to carry our water from the spring in a bucket...and then we'd get it out with a dipper!'

"Lassie is merely billed as America's best-loved dog."

Klytaemnestra

'I'd like now to introduce Len who will tell slightly humourous stories in his inimicable self-serving way,'

Queen Ranavola of Madagascar executed any of her subjects who appeared in her dreams....

'I couldn't get the cap off the prescription bottle. What did you die of?'

'The middle east eh! See somebody's wife has been turned into a pillar of salt, the Hittites are at it again, a load of slaves have escaped fro Egypt by parting the sea, and some lot have destroyed the walls of Jericho with trumpets, when will ever end?'

'Dad's not getting the hang of the new technology, is he?'

Sooner or Later

'My only suspicion was that they might be regifting.'

'Look - Oog has invented 'media.''