Ancestral Investigator Pillows

Realistic Ancestry Chart

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

"Can Olaf come out to pillage and plunder?"

'I demand a DNA test.'

'I've just discovered that one of my ancestors was a Security Goose for the Roman Army...'

"I'm afraid he left everything to charity... Oh, I see. I take it your name's Charity?"

"...We've traced your lineage all the way back to a 15th-century East European Count."

"According to his will, he wants his outstanding debts to be shared equally between the three of you."

"Your old Jewish mother with some pickled herring, sir. To remind you of your roots,"

'I'm tracing my relatives.'

"My brain got hacked!"

Alvin, genealogist extraordinaire, traces his roots back to the first amoeba.

'Dad, have you ever thought about researching our family tree?'

When you said you were going to find your ancestors I thought you meant on the INTERNET!

"OK, now you've gone back too far."

Mother and child riding a DNA rollercoaster.

Man: 'My family tree is infested with termites.'

"Good news, Mr. Vanderfirth. We've traced your lineage back to a woman who lived in East Africa two hundred thousand years ago."

Roswell 1947

"We've found your birth mother."

'I'll read the will.' - 'I don't like the look of this.'

'Omigosh! According to your resume, we share the same father!'

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'

'I've traced out family tree back to some lizards in the Mesozoic era.'

Eviction Notice for Earth

"Don't bother wasting your money on DNA testing. The results all come back, 'Ape.'"

Sir Rupert Murgatroyd

Frank Harris Blurry UFO Photography

'Aren't you a little worried all that begatting will get out of hand?'

'I did our branch of the family tree. Turns out we're birch and northern pine.'

7 Reasons You Might Be Irish. . .

'I come from a long line of Sunday roasts...'

"The kids are at that age when they'd really like to know our net worth."

"Wow. I share DNA with Moby Dick!"

'There is no million dollar inheritance. We just put out that notice to locate the missing heirs.'