Ancestry Detective Pillows

'Dad, have you ever thought about researching our family tree?'

'I'm tracing my relatives.'

'No kings or noblemen, but you're descended from a guy whose cousin knew Benjamin Franklin's cook!'

'Testing, testing, once upon a time, testing...'

"Ordinarily, I'm deeply, completely happy, ...then, wham! I remember we're related to chickens."

'I've traced our family tree back to some lizards in the Mesozoic era.'

'My grandpa was a Pole.'

"Not one of the Dartford Warblers?"

"Not Begat Begat again...we were still doing that last time!"

"Ooh, Dave. Your DNA results have come back! According to this, you're 10% German, 15% Irish, and 75% layabout."

St. Patrick discovers his roots.

"I retired from my job as head genealogist and never looked back."

"My great-great-grandfather was forced to flee Europe because of religious persecution."

'I demand a DNA test.'

'I've just discovered that one of my ancestors was a Security Goose for the Roman Army...'

"...We've traced your lineage all the way back to a 15th-century East European Count."

"Your old Jewish mother with some pickled herring, sir. To remind you of your roots,"

When you said you were going to find your ancestors I thought you meant on the INTERNET!

"OK, now you've gone back too far."

Ancenstry.com Your results: Oak: 80% Pine: 12% Maple: 3% Unknown: 5%

"Everyone here is alive because I got laid."

Man: 'My family tree is infested with termites.'

God changes His will.

"Good news, Mr. Vanderfirth. We've traced your lineage back to a woman who lived in East Africa two hundred thousand years ago."

Thomas Hunt Morgan

"As if we didn't already know too much about ourselves, we're having our DNA done."

After spending months researching his family tree, Mr Henshaw could think of little else.

"We've found your birth mother."

'Omigosh! According to your resume, we share the same father!'

"Albert Morris? But I've spent the last six months researching Alberta Morris?!"

'I've traced out family tree back to some lizards in the Mesozoic era.'

'Last year Frank tried tracing back his roots but came back empty!'

Sir Rupert Murgatroyd

In today's lesson, we'll talk about our ancestors 'The Mammoths'

"My mom was a Holstein-Friesian, and my dad was the King of Diamonds."